so Rob's grandmother falls down last week (through her glass-topped coffee table) and ends up in the hospital with scrapes, bruises, and a very slow heartbeat. the situation boils down to her needing a pacemaker to keep her going. rob's mother is out of town, so we pack up the car and head out to atlanta to tend to the situation. a million nurses and doctors later, topped with the first mcdonald's i've eaten in ten years from the cafeteria inside the hospital with a 'healthy eating' billboard right around the corner from it, we get everything figured out and the grandmother settled into a rehab center to recover. as we were driving back from atlanta for the millionth time last night, we got to discussing the question of aging/elderly/sickly family members, and what our role is in all that. Essentially it boils down to the question of whether or not we stay in the southeast (even though we aren't entirely happy here) to tend to and enjoy our families on a regular basis, or to go our own way, find a place that we can be happy in and enjoy the family on major holidays and the occasional summer vacation. how much does "place" effect ones sense of wellbeing? could we just get used to it here? or would we always be wondering what living in the desert would be like or if new york is as fantastic as it looks?
i've become so fearful of regretting the relationships i've created with my family because of my wanderlust, that i'm almost willing to suck it up, work some whatever job and enjoy being nearer to them. but then i realize how dangerous that could be to those relationships, and i end up back at the beginning again. i don't want to regret, i don't want to resent, and i want everyone to be happy. is that too much to ask?
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Thanks, Alison. You guys were great about this the other night - so supportive. Rob and I have been struggling through this mostly alone, and it feels so good to know you guys care! When we were leaving your house I looked at Rob and said, "I could move to Atlanta if I knew Ben & Alison were going to be there"!
After my Dad got hurt I asked both of them if they wanted me to move back home. They said no, that parents want their children to have their own lives, to go and do and be whatever they are, not to stay home and be nursemaid. You have to get beyond the guilt and look at the situation from outside your own sense of responsibility/obligation. It's very hard, and just to make things even more complicated there are times when it's appropriate to stay near family and help them, but mostly - live your own life. Be who you are.
I went through the same thing after my Dad was hurt. I asked both my parents if they wanted me to move back to Pittsburgh and they said no, parents want their children to grow up and have their own lives, not be nursemaids to elderly relatives. It's hard to untangle the guilt from the other feelings, but it's important to do it. You have to look at the situation from a non-self-centered perspective. There's this compulsion to help, which I think is a little bit ego-driven, but is that really the best thing for everyone? How much help can you really be? Maybe they would feel guilty if you stayed around and gave up some of your dreams to take care of them. Is that good? Not really.
I wish I had an easy answer or a crystal ball that would say "Melissa and Rob will move to NY and live happily ever after." All I can do is try to give you my somewhat dented perspective. And love. Always my love.
wtf? i published a comment and it disappeared so i tried to write it again and now they're both there.
sheesh. i am so un-technical.
My dear sweet daughter. How can I help you? You must never live your life for the needs of others. I can tell you from experience that you will spend a great deal of the rest of your life wondering what if? I wonder every day what kind of physical therapist I would be. I would never give up or change the results of those "sacrifices" because it would mean not having you and your sisters. My love for you is what allows me to let go and watch you fly. So often I look back and wonder if I was good parent. I kept a roof over your head, fed you (as healthy as possible; damn St. Leo candy store), and did my best at keeping an open heart and mind to let you grow up (away) before my eyes.
I do not want you to stay close because you feel a responsibility to me. I am not a martyr, I am a mother who experiences heart wrenching pain every time you move away, and at the same time glow with pride in your self awareness and independence. You and Rob have a life of your own and yes I know I "told" you we are through with the wanderlust and time to settle down and make a clan; however, if your desire after the next 4 years is to look afar to complete a segment of your being, then get out the boxes and we will fill them once again and I will join you at the other end with my bucket and mop and rubber gloves.
Let me say this, let this part of your life play itself out without concern for the next. You will waste much time wondering and will risk missing some happy times and situations because your attention is elsewhere. Time is yours and so is your future. When I am old and infirmed, fearnot my love, I wil be at your door, depends in hand and hoping you won't pinch me much!! I Love you.
By the way, the picture of you and Rob is beautiful. I hope you both can see the pride and success of your hard work. I am very proud of you both and I love you more and more every day.
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